You can't win with me...

A friend of mine found this poem after she lost a baby herself some time ago now. I was also given a copy of the poem after we lost our first baby in December 2007. Every now and again I look back on the poem, given 28th December marks 2 years since our precious little angel left us I thought I'd share....

You can't win with me...
If you say to me " How are you going?" with such sympathy and meaning in your voice.
I reply "I'm fine" and brush you off,
because to talk about my loss with you today is just too painful.

If you see me and don't mention the loss that is consuming my thoughts,
I think you don't care enough, or are too scared to mention it
for fear that you might upset me.

You can't win with me.

If you say "I'm sorry your baby died," it is hard for me to reply to that.
What do you expect me to say?
I want to say "I'm sorry too!" or "It's awful"
I want to scream "its not fair"
But I won't because I don't want to upset myself today, not in front of you.
So I reply "Thank-you".

That thanks means so much more than that.
It means thanks for caring,
thanks for trying to help,
thanks for realising that I'm still in pain.

If you don't know what to say to me that's okay
because I don't know what to say to you either.
If you see me smile or laugh
don't assume I must have forgotten my baby for the moment,
I haven't, I can't, I never will.

Tell me that I look good today.
I will know what you mean,
I'm getting good at picking up unspoken cues from you.
If you see me and think I look upset or sad, you are probably right.
Today might be an anniversary day for me,
or some event might have triggered a wave of grief in me.

If you don't say anything I'll think you don't care about me,
but if you do say something, it might make me feel worse.
You could try asking if I want to talk, but don't be surprised if I say no.

You can't win with me.
Don't give up on me, please don't give up.
I need your attempts however feeble,
however trite you might feel they are, I need your thoughts.
I need your prayers.
I need your love.
I need your persistence.

I need all that but most of all I need to be treated normally,
like it used to be before all this happened.
But I know its impossible.
That carefree, naive person is gone forever,
and I am mourning that loss too.

So you can't win with me.

Written by Jane Warland 1996

Not so great at this....

It appears I'm not so great at this blogging business, in all truthfulness - I'm useless.
In the month since my last post there hasn't been a terrible lot happening other than me resigning, accepting a new job, I made another cake (Thomas the Tank Engine this time), attended a friend's wedding, celebrated my second cousins first birthday, booked our houseboat holiday for January and hosted a pre-Christmas celebration in our new home. Okay, so maybe there has been a bit going on. Either way, I'm terrible at keeping things up to date here.

To touch on a few of those "things"....
After just on 7 years in my current job I've resigned and accepted a position as "Fundraising Officer" for a well known children's charity. All these years of charity golf days has finally paid off and I'm really looking forward to moving into a role where I can further my fundraising skills and take on a new challenge.

On another note, I absolutely can. not. wait. to go on our houseboat holiday on 22nd January! We've booked a vessel on the Coomera River for our 2010 Australia Day celebrations. We're headed off with Joel & Tanya, Rachelle & Ben and Nick & Andrina for lots of drinks, sun and laughter. I just hope it's much cooler this time!

I've been struggling with the infertility side of things quite a bit lately, there appears to be a massive influx of friends with exciting pregnancy news (10 at last count) one of whom is due on the exact date our 2nd angel baby would have been due. I'm struggling with the array of emotions more than anything else. I get sad and angry but happy and guilty all at the same time. Don't get me wrong I am extremely happy for all of them and I certainly wouldn't wish what we've been through on even my worst enemy but it's hard sometimes. It's really, really hard. I hear the news and I'm happy for them but sad for myself. I go from being sad to being angry; angry that I can't carry a child and angry that I can give Darryl the one thing he'd love so dearly right now. And then I feel guilty. How on earth can I feel sad and angry when someone has such fantastic news? Like I said, it's a struggle. Sometimes I cope and sometimes I don't. I guess those closest to us and who know our situation will understand - I hope.