Father's Day

So here it is, upon us for another year. It's Father's Day and frankly, I think it sucks. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad and father-in-law and we've wished them both a happy father's day and all that but I still think occasions like this are awful to have to live through given the last few years we've had.

Back on 22nd November 2007 we found out that our second full IVF/ICSI cycle had worked and that we were expecting our very own bundle of joy sometime around 30th July 2009. We shared our news with family and friends on Christmas day and a mere 3 days later on 28th December 2007, our world came crashing down as I miscarried. After a bit of time to grieve we were both fairly keen to keep trying so we went back and had more FETs and on 14th April 2008 we found out that we were again expecting a precious little miracle. This time our happiness was even more short lived when I miscarried our bub on 27th April 2008.

Since then we've had quite a few more transfers as well as another full IVF/ICSI cycle and so far, no success. I've had good days and bad days along the way but today really takes the cake. I can't help but feel somewhat guilty. My hubby is now 30. An age that, had you asked him a few years ago, he would have said he wanted kids by now. This year is now his 4th father's day where he's not had a child of his own to call him Daddy. The one thing he would dearly love and I can't give that to him. I sit here at the moment in tears feeling guilty, sad and angry.

A message I sent to a friend when we lost our first baby sums up how I'm feeling:
I thought the emotions and pain of dealing with IVF and infertility were bad enough but to go through all that and have a glimmer of hope for 9 weeks only to have it snatched away is just so so unfair. Our little baby is gone, our dreams shattered and the best 9 weeks of my life are over.
Needless to say, I still think today sucks.