You can't win with me...

A friend of mine found this poem after she lost a baby herself some time ago now. I was also given a copy of the poem after we lost our first baby in December 2007. Every now and again I look back on the poem, given 28th December marks 2 years since our precious little angel left us I thought I'd share....

You can't win with me...
If you say to me " How are you going?" with such sympathy and meaning in your voice.
I reply "I'm fine" and brush you off,
because to talk about my loss with you today is just too painful.

If you see me and don't mention the loss that is consuming my thoughts,
I think you don't care enough, or are too scared to mention it
for fear that you might upset me.

You can't win with me.

If you say "I'm sorry your baby died," it is hard for me to reply to that.
What do you expect me to say?
I want to say "I'm sorry too!" or "It's awful"
I want to scream "its not fair"
But I won't because I don't want to upset myself today, not in front of you.
So I reply "Thank-you".

That thanks means so much more than that.
It means thanks for caring,
thanks for trying to help,
thanks for realising that I'm still in pain.

If you don't know what to say to me that's okay
because I don't know what to say to you either.
If you see me smile or laugh
don't assume I must have forgotten my baby for the moment,
I haven't, I can't, I never will.

Tell me that I look good today.
I will know what you mean,
I'm getting good at picking up unspoken cues from you.
If you see me and think I look upset or sad, you are probably right.
Today might be an anniversary day for me,
or some event might have triggered a wave of grief in me.

If you don't say anything I'll think you don't care about me,
but if you do say something, it might make me feel worse.
You could try asking if I want to talk, but don't be surprised if I say no.

You can't win with me.
Don't give up on me, please don't give up.
I need your attempts however feeble,
however trite you might feel they are, I need your thoughts.
I need your prayers.
I need your love.
I need your persistence.

I need all that but most of all I need to be treated normally,
like it used to be before all this happened.
But I know its impossible.
That carefree, naive person is gone forever,
and I am mourning that loss too.

So you can't win with me.

Written by Jane Warland 1996

Not so great at this....

It appears I'm not so great at this blogging business, in all truthfulness - I'm useless.
In the month since my last post there hasn't been a terrible lot happening other than me resigning, accepting a new job, I made another cake (Thomas the Tank Engine this time), attended a friend's wedding, celebrated my second cousins first birthday, booked our houseboat holiday for January and hosted a pre-Christmas celebration in our new home. Okay, so maybe there has been a bit going on. Either way, I'm terrible at keeping things up to date here.

To touch on a few of those "things"....
After just on 7 years in my current job I've resigned and accepted a position as "Fundraising Officer" for a well known children's charity. All these years of charity golf days has finally paid off and I'm really looking forward to moving into a role where I can further my fundraising skills and take on a new challenge.

On another note, I absolutely can. not. wait. to go on our houseboat holiday on 22nd January! We've booked a vessel on the Coomera River for our 2010 Australia Day celebrations. We're headed off with Joel & Tanya, Rachelle & Ben and Nick & Andrina for lots of drinks, sun and laughter. I just hope it's much cooler this time!

I've been struggling with the infertility side of things quite a bit lately, there appears to be a massive influx of friends with exciting pregnancy news (10 at last count) one of whom is due on the exact date our 2nd angel baby would have been due. I'm struggling with the array of emotions more than anything else. I get sad and angry but happy and guilty all at the same time. Don't get me wrong I am extremely happy for all of them and I certainly wouldn't wish what we've been through on even my worst enemy but it's hard sometimes. It's really, really hard. I hear the news and I'm happy for them but sad for myself. I go from being sad to being angry; angry that I can't carry a child and angry that I can give Darryl the one thing he'd love so dearly right now. And then I feel guilty. How on earth can I feel sad and angry when someone has such fantastic news? Like I said, it's a struggle. Sometimes I cope and sometimes I don't. I guess those closest to us and who know our situation will understand - I hope.

Raw potatoes and power outages

I guess I should start by saying I've been feeling like absolute rubbish for about 6 weeks now. I've had an on again off again appetite and headache after headache. I've been to the doctor and she's run some blood tests etc but more as a precausion. She seems to think the tiredness and headaches is muscular due to the issues with my neck.

Anyway... for a while now, I have felt like baked jacket potatoes. Given an appetite or even cravings hasn't been common I thought I'd run with it. I fancied the potatoes quartered but not the whole way through, just so they sit open almost like a cup. I'm sure there's a technical word for that but it escapes me at the moment. Over the top I wanted a homemade garlic, tomato and onion sauce mixed through some mince with a bit of bacon, fresh roma tomatoes, spanish onion and a small dollop of sour cream. So tonight I decide to give it a go although I did cheat and grabbed a Dolmio sauce on the way home from work because I couldn't be bothered making the sauce.

I decide, in my wisdom, it'd be quicker to cook the potatoes in the microwave assuring Darryl it's "how Rachelle does them at work" and "it's much quicker" only to have our microwave pack it in when Darryl's spud was 7/8ths cooked. So out came the saucepan and the boiling water to finish cooking it. I organised his dinner, he sat and ate it and I started cooking my potato (yes, I should have thrown mine in the boiling water at the same time but I was more focused on my 3 month old microwave shitting itself) anyway by the time my potato was at a point where I thought it should have been cooked the storm hit, the power went out and I couldn't see a damn thing. I proceeded to give up. I ate the potato. As it turns out it wasn't ready so I ate it half cooked, I cracked it and washed the dishes in the dark and proceeded to send mum a text to whine about my afternoon turning bad only to have my 6 month old iPhone shit itself too.

The power is back on now, my phone is working (charging the battery often helps) and had I waited all of 15 minutes I could probably have cooked my potato thoroughly. Instead I'll go to bed and read all of my course guides for this degree I'm contemplating for 2010.

At least I have a spotless kitchen.

Golf Day

Yes....I've done it again this year. For those of you unaware, I organise a charity golf day each year for a child with an illness or disability. Last year I said I wasn't going to do it again. It's such a huge effort, loads of stress and usually something I organise by myself - stupid? maybe! Although it is extremely rewarding (once it's over) knowing you have changed the life of a little person who needed assistance.

Anyway, I digress. I've done it again this year. The 2009 Inflight Logistic Services Charity Golf Day is being held at Nudgee Golf Club on Thursday 12th November 2009 with 96+ golfers and 120+ dinner guests for the presentation dinner and auction afterwards.

Although it has been a long time coming and a ridiculous amount of effort trying to track down an auctioneer, and then finding another one at short notice when the original cant make it etc, it has also crept up a little bit. The last few weeks have been spent thinking "I've still got a few weeks" and then walking into work this morning it dawned on me that I now only have a few days. Thankfully Hannah & Rachelle have been a big help getting all the donated stock etc organised and suggesting ideas when I've been ready to rip my hair out.

So.... bring on Thursday so it's all over with for another year. I can then finalise the accounts, arrange the independent audit, send the funds on to Variety for them to purchase all of Jaden's equipment he needs.

Then once this big project is over with and the added stress is gone I can focus on Christmas.... did I mention I'm not doing this again?

Procrastination at its best...

So I'm sitting here supposed to be writing letters and all sorts of other "documents" that I decided I'd come home and finish. I have a massive case of writers block, so what do I sit here and do? Sift through years of old files, my old journal, my old blog etc and waste a good hour, nice.

Anyway, in amongst my old bits and pieces I found a poem I wrote a long time ago. It's from way back when we first started our assisted conception journey. Even though my outlook has changed slightly along the way and our situation has if anything, become worse, I still think the poem is extremely relevant to our circumstance and thought I'd share it again.

It's hard at times throughout this journey;
When faith and hope begin to sway.
It's hard when every road climbs further uphill,
And you're not sure you can face another day.

It's hard to get up and wear a smile,
When you need to scream and cry.
It's hard to explain just how you feel,
When your emotions inside are wry.

It's hard to get up & dust yourself off,
When it risks taking another fall.
It's hard to take the advice, "just relax" or "get away",
When these people don't really understand at all.

It's hard to watch some of your so called friends,
Slip away in front of your eyes,
It's hard to fathom they ever cared,
Although best to know than believe the lies.

It's hard to keep your emotions,C
ooped up inside your head.
It's hard to not let it show you've had no sleep,
But spent the night staring at the roof instead.

It's hard to rely so much,
On the family & friends that have stayed near.
It's hard to know it's affecting them as well,
With every update and result they hear.

It's hard to forget that life is going to be different,
To that vision you had as a ten year old.
But most of all it's hard to come to terms with it all,
This is what it's going to take to get a little bundle to love and hold.

International Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today, October 15, is International Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. Unfortunately it's a day that's close to my heart having lost two precious little miracles in the last few years. Pregnancy Loss is an awful experience that never, ever gets easier. I'm sending all of my thoughts, hugs and thanks to all of the truly inspirational women who have touched my life in ways they'll never know. Without the support of many of these women who have "been there" I wouldn't have gotten through the last four years. Please spare a thought today for all of the women who are hurting with empty arms. xo

Last time I posted in here I was in a shocking frame of mind. It was father's day and I was so sick of feeling guilty and horrible because we can't have a child. Thankfully I've got back up, dusted myself off and I'm out there facing the world with a smile on my face again. Some days I mean it, other days the smile is just there for the benefit of everyone else. It's easier to smile and tell people you're fine than it is to speak the truth, they don't understand anyway and their pretending is often patronising.

ANYWAY.... I have loads to keep me busy over the coming months. The landscaper has almost finished the bigger jobs in the yard which means we've got turf, plants, pavers, water features and rocks to organise and lay/install. I'd originally set us with a goal to have it all finished by Saturday 12th December because I wanted to have pre-christmas drinks here with our friends. I've instead decided we will have a small New Year's Eve party which will give us another 4 weeks or so to get it all finished.

Not a lot has been happening, we've fallen back into the work, running around, housework, dinner, dishes then bed routine. It's not much fun but at the moment that's how it is. Hopefully once there's a lot less running around and we get settled in the new place we can spend more time relaxing and enjoying everything the spaces we've created here. In the mean time I'm going to write my Christmas shopping list and create even more running around!