I guess I should start by saying I've been feeling like absolute rubbish for about 6 weeks now. I've had an on again off again appetite and headache after headache. I've been to the doctor and she's run some blood tests etc but more as a precausion. She seems to think the tiredness and headaches is muscular due to the issues with my neck.
Anyway... for a while now, I have felt like baked jacket potatoes. Given an appetite or even cravings hasn't been common I thought I'd run with it. I fancied the potatoes quartered but not the whole way through, just so they sit open almost like a cup. I'm sure there's a technical word for that but it escapes me at the moment. Over the top I wanted a homemade garlic, tomato and onion sauce mixed through some mince with a bit of bacon, fresh roma tomatoes, spanish onion and a small dollop of sour cream. So tonight I decide to give it a go although I did cheat and grabbed a Dolmio sauce on the way home from work because I couldn't be bothered making the sauce.
I decide, in my wisdom, it'd be quicker to cook the potatoes in the microwave assuring Darryl it's "how Rachelle does them at work" and "it's much quicker" only to have our microwave pack it in when Darryl's spud was 7/8ths cooked. So out came the saucepan and the boiling water to finish cooking it. I organised his dinner, he sat and ate it and I started cooking my potato (yes, I should have thrown mine in the boiling water at the same time but I was more focused on my 3 month old microwave shitting itself) anyway by the time my potato was at a point where I thought it should have been cooked the storm hit, the power went out and I couldn't see a damn thing. I proceeded to give up. I ate the potato. As it turns out it wasn't ready so I ate it half cooked, I cracked it and washed the dishes in the dark and proceeded to send mum a text to whine about my afternoon turning bad only to have my 6 month old iPhone shit itself too.
The power is back on now, my phone is working (charging the battery often helps) and had I waited all of 15 minutes I could probably have cooked my potato thoroughly. Instead I'll go to bed and read all of my course guides for this degree I'm contemplating for 2010.
At least I have a spotless kitchen.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Golf Day
Yes....I've done it again this year. For those of you unaware, I organise a charity golf day each year for a child with an illness or disability. Last year I said I wasn't going to do it again. It's such a huge effort, loads of stress and usually something I organise by myself - stupid? maybe! Although it is extremely rewarding (once it's over) knowing you have changed the life of a little person who needed assistance.
Anyway, I digress. I've done it again this year. The 2009 Inflight Logistic Services Charity Golf Day is being held at Nudgee Golf Club on Thursday 12th November 2009 with 96+ golfers and 120+ dinner guests for the presentation dinner and auction afterwards.
Although it has been a long time coming and a ridiculous amount of effort trying to track down an auctioneer, and then finding another one at short notice when the original cant make it etc, it has also crept up a little bit. The last few weeks have been spent thinking "I've still got a few weeks" and then walking into work this morning it dawned on me that I now only have a few days. Thankfully Hannah & Rachelle have been a big help getting all the donated stock etc organised and suggesting ideas when I've been ready to rip my hair out.
So.... bring on Thursday so it's all over with for another year. I can then finalise the accounts, arrange the independent audit, send the funds on to Variety for them to purchase all of Jaden's equipment he needs.
Then once this big project is over with and the added stress is gone I can focus on Christmas.... did I mention I'm not doing this again?
Anyway, I digress. I've done it again this year. The 2009 Inflight Logistic Services Charity Golf Day is being held at Nudgee Golf Club on Thursday 12th November 2009 with 96+ golfers and 120+ dinner guests for the presentation dinner and auction afterwards.
Although it has been a long time coming and a ridiculous amount of effort trying to track down an auctioneer, and then finding another one at short notice when the original cant make it etc, it has also crept up a little bit. The last few weeks have been spent thinking "I've still got a few weeks" and then walking into work this morning it dawned on me that I now only have a few days. Thankfully Hannah & Rachelle have been a big help getting all the donated stock etc organised and suggesting ideas when I've been ready to rip my hair out.
So.... bring on Thursday so it's all over with for another year. I can then finalise the accounts, arrange the independent audit, send the funds on to Variety for them to purchase all of Jaden's equipment he needs.
Then once this big project is over with and the added stress is gone I can focus on Christmas.... did I mention I'm not doing this again?
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Procrastination at its best...
So I'm sitting here supposed to be writing letters and all sorts of other "documents" that I decided I'd come home and finish. I have a massive case of writers block, so what do I sit here and do? Sift through years of old files, my old journal, my old blog etc and waste a good hour, nice.
Anyway, in amongst my old bits and pieces I found a poem I wrote a long time ago. It's from way back when we first started our assisted conception journey. Even though my outlook has changed slightly along the way and our situation has if anything, become worse, I still think the poem is extremely relevant to our circumstance and thought I'd share it again.
It's hard at times throughout this journey;
When faith and hope begin to sway.
It's hard when every road climbs further uphill,
And you're not sure you can face another day.
It's hard to get up and wear a smile,
When you need to scream and cry.
It's hard to explain just how you feel,
When your emotions inside are wry.
It's hard to get up & dust yourself off,
When it risks taking another fall.
It's hard to take the advice, "just relax" or "get away",
When these people don't really understand at all.
It's hard to watch some of your so called friends,
Slip away in front of your eyes,
It's hard to fathom they ever cared,
Although best to know than believe the lies.
It's hard to keep your emotions,C
ooped up inside your head.
It's hard to not let it show you've had no sleep,
But spent the night staring at the roof instead.
It's hard to rely so much,
On the family & friends that have stayed near.
It's hard to know it's affecting them as well,
With every update and result they hear.
It's hard to forget that life is going to be different,
To that vision you had as a ten year old.
But most of all it's hard to come to terms with it all,
This is what it's going to take to get a little bundle to love and hold.
Anyway, in amongst my old bits and pieces I found a poem I wrote a long time ago. It's from way back when we first started our assisted conception journey. Even though my outlook has changed slightly along the way and our situation has if anything, become worse, I still think the poem is extremely relevant to our circumstance and thought I'd share it again.
It's hard at times throughout this journey;
When faith and hope begin to sway.
It's hard when every road climbs further uphill,
And you're not sure you can face another day.
It's hard to get up and wear a smile,
When you need to scream and cry.
It's hard to explain just how you feel,
When your emotions inside are wry.
It's hard to get up & dust yourself off,
When it risks taking another fall.
It's hard to take the advice, "just relax" or "get away",
When these people don't really understand at all.
It's hard to watch some of your so called friends,
Slip away in front of your eyes,
It's hard to fathom they ever cared,
Although best to know than believe the lies.
It's hard to keep your emotions,C
ooped up inside your head.
It's hard to not let it show you've had no sleep,
But spent the night staring at the roof instead.
It's hard to rely so much,
On the family & friends that have stayed near.
It's hard to know it's affecting them as well,
With every update and result they hear.
It's hard to forget that life is going to be different,
To that vision you had as a ten year old.
But most of all it's hard to come to terms with it all,
This is what it's going to take to get a little bundle to love and hold.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
International Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day
Today, October 15, is International Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. Unfortunately it's a day that's close to my heart having lost two precious little miracles in the last few years. Pregnancy Loss is an awful experience that never, ever gets easier. I'm sending all of my thoughts, hugs and thanks to all of the truly inspirational women who have touched my life in ways they'll never know. Without the support of many of these women who have "been there" I wouldn't have gotten through the last four years. Please spare a thought today for all of the women who are hurting with empty arms. xo
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Last time I posted in here I was in a shocking frame of mind. It was father's day and I was so sick of feeling guilty and horrible because we can't have a child. Thankfully I've got back up, dusted myself off and I'm out there facing the world with a smile on my face again. Some days I mean it, other days the smile is just there for the benefit of everyone else. It's easier to smile and tell people you're fine than it is to speak the truth, they don't understand anyway and their pretending is often patronising.
ANYWAY.... I have loads to keep me busy over the coming months. The landscaper has almost finished the bigger jobs in the yard which means we've got turf, plants, pavers, water features and rocks to organise and lay/install. I'd originally set us with a goal to have it all finished by Saturday 12th December because I wanted to have pre-christmas drinks here with our friends. I've instead decided we will have a small New Year's Eve party which will give us another 4 weeks or so to get it all finished.
Not a lot has been happening, we've fallen back into the work, running around, housework, dinner, dishes then bed routine. It's not much fun but at the moment that's how it is. Hopefully once there's a lot less running around and we get settled in the new place we can spend more time relaxing and enjoying everything the spaces we've created here. In the mean time I'm going to write my Christmas shopping list and create even more running around!
ANYWAY.... I have loads to keep me busy over the coming months. The landscaper has almost finished the bigger jobs in the yard which means we've got turf, plants, pavers, water features and rocks to organise and lay/install. I'd originally set us with a goal to have it all finished by Saturday 12th December because I wanted to have pre-christmas drinks here with our friends. I've instead decided we will have a small New Year's Eve party which will give us another 4 weeks or so to get it all finished.
Not a lot has been happening, we've fallen back into the work, running around, housework, dinner, dishes then bed routine. It's not much fun but at the moment that's how it is. Hopefully once there's a lot less running around and we get settled in the new place we can spend more time relaxing and enjoying everything the spaces we've created here. In the mean time I'm going to write my Christmas shopping list and create even more running around!
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Father's Day
So here it is, upon us for another year. It's Father's Day and frankly, I think it sucks. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad and father-in-law and we've wished them both a happy father's day and all that but I still think occasions like this are awful to have to live through given the last few years we've had.
Back on 22nd November 2007 we found out that our second full IVF/ICSI cycle had worked and that we were expecting our very own bundle of joy sometime around 30th July 2009. We shared our news with family and friends on Christmas day and a mere 3 days later on 28th December 2007, our world came crashing down as I miscarried. After a bit of time to grieve we were both fairly keen to keep trying so we went back and had more FETs and on 14th April 2008 we found out that we were again expecting a precious little miracle. This time our happiness was even more short lived when I miscarried our bub on 27th April 2008.
Since then we've had quite a few more transfers as well as another full IVF/ICSI cycle and so far, no success. I've had good days and bad days along the way but today really takes the cake. I can't help but feel somewhat guilty. My hubby is now 30. An age that, had you asked him a few years ago, he would have said he wanted kids by now. This year is now his 4th father's day where he's not had a child of his own to call him Daddy. The one thing he would dearly love and I can't give that to him. I sit here at the moment in tears feeling guilty, sad and angry.
A message I sent to a friend when we lost our first baby sums up how I'm feeling:
I thought the emotions and pain of dealing with IVF and infertility were bad enough but to go through all that and have a glimmer of hope for 9 weeks only to have it snatched away is just so so unfair. Our little baby is gone, our dreams shattered and the best 9 weeks of my life are over.
Needless to say, I still think today sucks.
Back on 22nd November 2007 we found out that our second full IVF/ICSI cycle had worked and that we were expecting our very own bundle of joy sometime around 30th July 2009. We shared our news with family and friends on Christmas day and a mere 3 days later on 28th December 2007, our world came crashing down as I miscarried. After a bit of time to grieve we were both fairly keen to keep trying so we went back and had more FETs and on 14th April 2008 we found out that we were again expecting a precious little miracle. This time our happiness was even more short lived when I miscarried our bub on 27th April 2008.
Since then we've had quite a few more transfers as well as another full IVF/ICSI cycle and so far, no success. I've had good days and bad days along the way but today really takes the cake. I can't help but feel somewhat guilty. My hubby is now 30. An age that, had you asked him a few years ago, he would have said he wanted kids by now. This year is now his 4th father's day where he's not had a child of his own to call him Daddy. The one thing he would dearly love and I can't give that to him. I sit here at the moment in tears feeling guilty, sad and angry.
A message I sent to a friend when we lost our first baby sums up how I'm feeling:
I thought the emotions and pain of dealing with IVF and infertility were bad enough but to go through all that and have a glimmer of hope for 9 weeks only to have it snatched away is just so so unfair. Our little baby is gone, our dreams shattered and the best 9 weeks of my life are over.
Needless to say, I still think today sucks.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Dirt & Motivation
This week has been horrible to put it mildly. Although it has made me realise just how fantastic some of my co-workers are. Thankfully it's now Friday afternoon and I've got two days to forget everything that's happened and I'll start fresh on Monday morning.
The landscaping has been happening at home while we've been at work this week. So far they've removed 44 cubic metres of dirt from our yard. It's amazing how quickly it adds up and the difference it makes. I'm absolutely thrilled with the new house and even more so the alfresco area, especially now I can see the outdoor spaces all taking shape.
I'm loving the motivation that being in the new place has given me. We've made the decision not to go back to the IVF for a year or two until we've enjoyed our new home a little and I've been able to shift some of the weight I've put on over the last few years of treatment. I think this decision has taken a lot of the pressure off and made me feel even more settled. I'm fairly sure writing my 30 before 30 list may have added to that motivation too. I've started growing my hair (AND my hairdresser has promised not to cut it all off no matter how much I argue with her), I'm back to the Lite 'n' Easy breakfasts and lunches so I'm getting the right about of fruit and vegies each day and so I don't have to worry about making lunches at night. Aside from all that, the biggest piece of motivation was my decision to start the Cool Running "Couch-to-5k" running plan. Hopefully I'll have a friend start with me so we can motivate each other *hint hint*.
Anyway.....I'm off to act on my latest motivation, a glass of wine. The running plan will have to wait until next week, hopefully by then I will have worked out how to focus the motivation in the right direction :)
The landscaping has been happening at home while we've been at work this week. So far they've removed 44 cubic metres of dirt from our yard. It's amazing how quickly it adds up and the difference it makes. I'm absolutely thrilled with the new house and even more so the alfresco area, especially now I can see the outdoor spaces all taking shape.
I'm loving the motivation that being in the new place has given me. We've made the decision not to go back to the IVF for a year or two until we've enjoyed our new home a little and I've been able to shift some of the weight I've put on over the last few years of treatment. I think this decision has taken a lot of the pressure off and made me feel even more settled. I'm fairly sure writing my 30 before 30 list may have added to that motivation too. I've started growing my hair (AND my hairdresser has promised not to cut it all off no matter how much I argue with her), I'm back to the Lite 'n' Easy breakfasts and lunches so I'm getting the right about of fruit and vegies each day and so I don't have to worry about making lunches at night. Aside from all that, the biggest piece of motivation was my decision to start the Cool Running "Couch-to-5k" running plan. Hopefully I'll have a friend start with me so we can motivate each other *hint hint*.
Anyway.....I'm off to act on my latest motivation, a glass of wine. The running plan will have to wait until next week, hopefully by then I will have worked out how to focus the motivation in the right direction :)
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