Last time I posted in here I was in a shocking frame of mind. It was father's day and I was so sick of feeling guilty and horrible because we can't have a child. Thankfully I've got back up, dusted myself off and I'm out there facing the world with a smile on my face again. Some days I mean it, other days the smile is just there for the benefit of everyone else. It's easier to smile and tell people you're fine than it is to speak the truth, they don't understand anyway and their pretending is often patronising.
ANYWAY.... I have loads to keep me busy over the coming months. The landscaper has almost finished the bigger jobs in the yard which means we've got turf, plants, pavers, water features and rocks to organise and lay/install. I'd originally set us with a goal to have it all finished by Saturday 12th December because I wanted to have pre-christmas drinks here with our friends. I've instead decided we will have a small New Year's Eve party which will give us another 4 weeks or so to get it all finished.
Not a lot has been happening, we've fallen back into the work, running around, housework, dinner, dishes then bed routine. It's not much fun but at the moment that's how it is. Hopefully once there's a lot less running around and we get settled in the new place we can spend more time relaxing and enjoying everything the spaces we've created here. In the mean time I'm going to write my Christmas shopping list and create even more running around!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Father's Day
So here it is, upon us for another year. It's Father's Day and frankly, I think it sucks. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad and father-in-law and we've wished them both a happy father's day and all that but I still think occasions like this are awful to have to live through given the last few years we've had.
Back on 22nd November 2007 we found out that our second full IVF/ICSI cycle had worked and that we were expecting our very own bundle of joy sometime around 30th July 2009. We shared our news with family and friends on Christmas day and a mere 3 days later on 28th December 2007, our world came crashing down as I miscarried. After a bit of time to grieve we were both fairly keen to keep trying so we went back and had more FETs and on 14th April 2008 we found out that we were again expecting a precious little miracle. This time our happiness was even more short lived when I miscarried our bub on 27th April 2008.
Since then we've had quite a few more transfers as well as another full IVF/ICSI cycle and so far, no success. I've had good days and bad days along the way but today really takes the cake. I can't help but feel somewhat guilty. My hubby is now 30. An age that, had you asked him a few years ago, he would have said he wanted kids by now. This year is now his 4th father's day where he's not had a child of his own to call him Daddy. The one thing he would dearly love and I can't give that to him. I sit here at the moment in tears feeling guilty, sad and angry.
A message I sent to a friend when we lost our first baby sums up how I'm feeling:
I thought the emotions and pain of dealing with IVF and infertility were bad enough but to go through all that and have a glimmer of hope for 9 weeks only to have it snatched away is just so so unfair. Our little baby is gone, our dreams shattered and the best 9 weeks of my life are over.
Needless to say, I still think today sucks.
Back on 22nd November 2007 we found out that our second full IVF/ICSI cycle had worked and that we were expecting our very own bundle of joy sometime around 30th July 2009. We shared our news with family and friends on Christmas day and a mere 3 days later on 28th December 2007, our world came crashing down as I miscarried. After a bit of time to grieve we were both fairly keen to keep trying so we went back and had more FETs and on 14th April 2008 we found out that we were again expecting a precious little miracle. This time our happiness was even more short lived when I miscarried our bub on 27th April 2008.
Since then we've had quite a few more transfers as well as another full IVF/ICSI cycle and so far, no success. I've had good days and bad days along the way but today really takes the cake. I can't help but feel somewhat guilty. My hubby is now 30. An age that, had you asked him a few years ago, he would have said he wanted kids by now. This year is now his 4th father's day where he's not had a child of his own to call him Daddy. The one thing he would dearly love and I can't give that to him. I sit here at the moment in tears feeling guilty, sad and angry.
A message I sent to a friend when we lost our first baby sums up how I'm feeling:
I thought the emotions and pain of dealing with IVF and infertility were bad enough but to go through all that and have a glimmer of hope for 9 weeks only to have it snatched away is just so so unfair. Our little baby is gone, our dreams shattered and the best 9 weeks of my life are over.
Needless to say, I still think today sucks.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Dirt & Motivation
This week has been horrible to put it mildly. Although it has made me realise just how fantastic some of my co-workers are. Thankfully it's now Friday afternoon and I've got two days to forget everything that's happened and I'll start fresh on Monday morning.
The landscaping has been happening at home while we've been at work this week. So far they've removed 44 cubic metres of dirt from our yard. It's amazing how quickly it adds up and the difference it makes. I'm absolutely thrilled with the new house and even more so the alfresco area, especially now I can see the outdoor spaces all taking shape.
I'm loving the motivation that being in the new place has given me. We've made the decision not to go back to the IVF for a year or two until we've enjoyed our new home a little and I've been able to shift some of the weight I've put on over the last few years of treatment. I think this decision has taken a lot of the pressure off and made me feel even more settled. I'm fairly sure writing my 30 before 30 list may have added to that motivation too. I've started growing my hair (AND my hairdresser has promised not to cut it all off no matter how much I argue with her), I'm back to the Lite 'n' Easy breakfasts and lunches so I'm getting the right about of fruit and vegies each day and so I don't have to worry about making lunches at night. Aside from all that, the biggest piece of motivation was my decision to start the Cool Running "Couch-to-5k" running plan. Hopefully I'll have a friend start with me so we can motivate each other *hint hint*.
Anyway.....I'm off to act on my latest motivation, a glass of wine. The running plan will have to wait until next week, hopefully by then I will have worked out how to focus the motivation in the right direction :)
The landscaping has been happening at home while we've been at work this week. So far they've removed 44 cubic metres of dirt from our yard. It's amazing how quickly it adds up and the difference it makes. I'm absolutely thrilled with the new house and even more so the alfresco area, especially now I can see the outdoor spaces all taking shape.
I'm loving the motivation that being in the new place has given me. We've made the decision not to go back to the IVF for a year or two until we've enjoyed our new home a little and I've been able to shift some of the weight I've put on over the last few years of treatment. I think this decision has taken a lot of the pressure off and made me feel even more settled. I'm fairly sure writing my 30 before 30 list may have added to that motivation too. I've started growing my hair (AND my hairdresser has promised not to cut it all off no matter how much I argue with her), I'm back to the Lite 'n' Easy breakfasts and lunches so I'm getting the right about of fruit and vegies each day and so I don't have to worry about making lunches at night. Aside from all that, the biggest piece of motivation was my decision to start the Cool Running "Couch-to-5k" running plan. Hopefully I'll have a friend start with me so we can motivate each other *hint hint*.
Anyway.....I'm off to act on my latest motivation, a glass of wine. The running plan will have to wait until next week, hopefully by then I will have worked out how to focus the motivation in the right direction :)
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
September
So it's September...Spring has sprung and all that. More importantly our life has FINALLY settled down. At this stage the coming weekend involves absolutely nothing! Looking back through the calendar our last weekend that we didn't have some sort of plans was back at the beginning of March. We've had 25 weekends straight where there has always been something. Don't get me wrong, I love catching up with friends, birthday parties etc but I also love spending time doing a whole lot of nothing and now that this house is built I'm really looking forward to catching up on a whole lot of that nothingness before we have to get stuck into the yard.
Speaking of the yard...The landscapers started last Friday and I'm so pleased we decided to go with Tony (Tony from Landscapes by A &K did the landscaping in our last home). It's looking great so far! We've got a concrete slab at both the front and back doors ready for the timber decking to go in once the retaining wall is built. They're hoping it's only going to take them a couple of weeks to build the retaining wall although I think they're underestimating the sheer size of the bloody thing, especially seeing as I'm the professional and all (pffft) but I did measure that space this afternoon, the wall is something close to 36 metres long and is two separate tiers of 400x400 sandstone blocks with garden beds in between. Hence why I'm glad we went with the landscaper.
Once Tony has worked his magic and done all the "hard scape" stuff we'll have quite a few weekends of planting and turfing and topsoiling (is that even a word?) but I'm somewhat looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to making my own little stamp on this place, to make the finishing touches. That being said I'm also looking forward to sitting back in a deck chair, wine in hand looking at all the hard work that someone else has put in. Did I happen to mention I'm glad we got the landscapers?
Anyway, there's not really a lot else to write about. I'm back at work this week and we're back into the usual routine of work, washing/cooking/cleaning, shower, dinner, bed. Such an exciting life we lead through the week!
The only other thing I did want to mention is that I'm planning another charity golf event for this year and I'd LOVE all of the support I can get. This year will mark #5 for me and so far each year has been bigger than the last so I'd like to keep that trend happening. The date is Thursday 12th November @ Nudgee Golf Club kicking off at 11:00am. You'll need to email me at work etaylor@inlog.com.au or give me a call for registration information. There is also a dinner afterwards again this year so if you're not a golfer and more a hacker like me (if you can even call it hacking) feel free to come along just for dinner! Oh and please spread the word!
Speaking of the yard...The landscapers started last Friday and I'm so pleased we decided to go with Tony (Tony from Landscapes by A &K did the landscaping in our last home). It's looking great so far! We've got a concrete slab at both the front and back doors ready for the timber decking to go in once the retaining wall is built. They're hoping it's only going to take them a couple of weeks to build the retaining wall although I think they're underestimating the sheer size of the bloody thing, especially seeing as I'm the professional and all (pffft) but I did measure that space this afternoon, the wall is something close to 36 metres long and is two separate tiers of 400x400 sandstone blocks with garden beds in between. Hence why I'm glad we went with the landscaper.
Once Tony has worked his magic and done all the "hard scape" stuff we'll have quite a few weekends of planting and turfing and topsoiling (is that even a word?) but I'm somewhat looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to making my own little stamp on this place, to make the finishing touches. That being said I'm also looking forward to sitting back in a deck chair, wine in hand looking at all the hard work that someone else has put in. Did I happen to mention I'm glad we got the landscapers?
Anyway, there's not really a lot else to write about. I'm back at work this week and we're back into the usual routine of work, washing/cooking/cleaning, shower, dinner, bed. Such an exciting life we lead through the week!
The only other thing I did want to mention is that I'm planning another charity golf event for this year and I'd LOVE all of the support I can get. This year will mark #5 for me and so far each year has been bigger than the last so I'd like to keep that trend happening. The date is Thursday 12th November @ Nudgee Golf Club kicking off at 11:00am. You'll need to email me at work etaylor@inlog.com.au or give me a call for registration information. There is also a dinner afterwards again this year so if you're not a golfer and more a hacker like me (if you can even call it hacking) feel free to come along just for dinner! Oh and please spread the word!
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